Do you have trouble maintaining a healthy weight? Have you been frustrated by the slow, dull process of losing weight? Do you feel like you’ve “tried everything” and that no diet ever truly works?
That’s because most diets have it backwards. They emphasise healthy, balanced meals, but don’t highlight the importance of exercise. They all fail, because of this universal truth that no dieting philosophy can deny – bacon tastes better than lettuce.
It’s time for a radical solution. You’ve tried eating right and not exercising enough… now try eating total garbage while you burn enough energy to power half of Tokyo. It’s called The Mountaineering Diet, and it can’t possibly not work for you.
How does The Mountaineering Diet work?
The Mountaineering Diet is built around one simple premise – that it’s physically impossible to ingest enough calories to overcome the energy deficit that mountaineering creates!
Say you’re burning 1000 calories an hour (which seems outlandish but is actually quite reasonable and perhaps even conservative) and you’re moving for 10 hours (a moderate day in the mountains), you’re looking at a loss of 10,000 calories. Think you can carry enough food to replenish that? Good luck, buddy! And even if you had the strength to haul such prodigious loads, you couldn’t afford them. The retail value of 10,000 calories worth of Mountain House meals is roughly equivalent to the total budget for Apollo 11.
In theory and in practice, The Mountaineering Diet is quite simple:
- Load a pack with all the food, clothing, shelter, technical gear, ropes and the various other equipment necessary for expedition mountaineering. Can’t fit it all in? Looks like you’re hauling a sled too!
- Climb a big-ass mountain (or a series of medium-ass mountains). For best results, choose a high-altitude venue.
- Watch all your excess (and potentially non-excess) fat melt away!
Easy? Not exactly. Guaranteed? You better believe it.
What types of foods can I eat?
Literally anything you can carry – if it doesn’t spoil, it’s fair game. Foods which are “not allowed” in traditional diets are actively encouraged in The Mountaineering Diet. You can eat peanut butter by the tub, chocolate by the block, and if in doubt, we suggest you put butter in, on and around everything.
Do I get “Cheat Days”?
Yes, but in mountaineering they are called “rest days” and you need them to survive.
Are there any health problems associated with The Mountaineering Diet?
There are some. You’ll probably fuck your knees and high-altitude users have occasionally suffered pulmonary or cerebral oedema. Crevasses and avalanches have also been known to cause acute health problems, such as death. Please consult your doctor before starting The Mountaineering Diet.
How long should I stay on The Mountaineering Diet?
The Mountaineering Diet has often been practiced in the Himalaya for periods of up to 3 months. This is fairly extreme and not recommended for beginners. As an introduction, a three-week period on Denali or Aconcagua should suffice.
What if I don’t like mountaineering?
Then you are wrong. But there are alternatives to The Mountaineering Diet that function in much the same manner. Here are a few of those:
- The Thru-Hiking Diet – Carry a light pack for at least 40km every day for a period of 6 months.
- The Bike Packing Diet- Very much like The Thru-Hiking Diet, but with a bicycle.
- The Backcountry Ski Diet – Haul all your food and gear into a remote area, then cover at least 3000m of vertical gain every day.
- The Ultra Marathon Diet – Ever seen a fat ultra-marathon runner?
- The Rock Climbing Diet – Climb at least 10 pitches every day, including hauling two ropes and a double rack over an approach of at least an hour each way.
Does The Mountaineering Diet work for vegans?
Of course! If you combine a dangerously low calorific intake with the inevitable muscle loss that results from a massive deficiency of fat and protein, vegans will lose even more than they dreamed possible on The Mountaineering Diet!
Are there any testimonials to support The Mountaineering Diet?
Don “The Villain” Whillans was a huge advocate of The Mountaineering Diet. A man with a naturally large build, he relied on the principals of the diet (and cigarettes) to maintain his weight. In fact, Whillans was shrewd enough to know that entering the mountains with a lean physique, as his companions often did, was a grievous tactical error – “In three months, I’ll look like them, and they’ll probably be dead,” he once said on his way to Everest.
What should I do once I’ve achieved my goal weight?
Immediately following an expedition, most folks choose to supplement their intake with Double IPA’s and entire pizzas. This period of excess is best discontinued after three days, or otherwise tends to reverse the weight loss experienced by practicing The Mountaineering Diet.
It sounds like a winner! When can I start?
Why not now? For a free trial, put a heavy pack on and start walking up a hill today!
Ryan Siacci, Esq.