The Man from S.P.A.S.T.I.K

Do you shun critical thinking?

Do you like pointless busywork?

Are you a slave to appearances?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, we’d like to invite you to join S.P.A.S.T.I.K – The Society for the Promotion and Advocacy of Stoppers with Tie-In Knots!

We’re a dedicated core of climbers who “do things by the book”, even if the book is outdated and nonsensical!

Our prime directive is to continue the use of the “Stopper Knot”, the non-functional addition to your Figure 8. Yes, we realise that it doesn’t actually achieve anything and that it doesn’t increase the integrity of your tie-in… but that’s the way we’ve always done it and we’ll be damned if we’re changing now!

We’ll soon be running our inaugural meeting (sign up now and we’ll send you a letter via post… we’re old school like that) and there will be several topics of discussion. These will enhance our doctrine, with ideas such as:

  • You can’t clip metal to metal when constructing an anchor, even though you clip quickdraws to bolts!
  • You should constantly yell at your belayer, especially to tell them you have clipped a draw. Because fuck situational awareness!
  • Belay devices without the ability to operate in guide mode are an essential piece of kit. Who wants to climb multipitches anyway?

Also, we’ll be reading a chapter from our sacred text, Freedom of the Hills…. The first edition, not that uppity 8th edition with its newfangled ideas.

Those who don’t tie an overhand knot after finishing their figure 8 need not apply. And as for those dangerous anarchists using a bowline… well, the less said the better!

Thanks for your time. Details for our cause and upcoming meetings can be found on our myspace page, http://myspace.com/spastik

See you soon!

Thoughts? Opinions? Cries of dissent?